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1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -10
2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8
3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn’t even go to college: -10
And it’s not really your underwear: -15
4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200
7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He’s crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She’s not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25
8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
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