A female friend sent this to me,
i'm still ROFLMFAO
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Hot Wax is not our Friend!
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out lout...as you could just see
this happening!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises
of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner,play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull
the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site
of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (Ya think!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing
each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax,
yeah, right).
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin tight and pull.
It works! Okay, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah,
fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the
kids, sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the
same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my 'hoo-hoo' and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace myself.....RRRRIIIIIPPPPP!!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half the strip. CRAP!!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is whirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breath, breathe...okay, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I
see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax.
CRAP!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make
the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the
toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. 'Hoo hoo'?? sealed
shut! Butt?? sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying
to figure out what to do and think to myself, 'please don't let me get
the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get
in, immerse the wax covered bits and the water should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used
to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I
sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions
glued together is having them glued together and then glued
to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the
way, does not melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have
a phone put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she
has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's
a very good conversation starter.
'So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or
hoo-hoo?'
She’s laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the
wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What
do I really have to loose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!! It
works!!!
I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...now that's funny.
NOOOOTTT!!!
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