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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (Except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for the USA without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up Nuclear in the Oxford English Dictionary and check the pronunciation guide; you will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter U will be reinstated in such words as colour, favour and neighbour. Likewise you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters and the suffix –ize will be replace by the suffix –ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (you may need to look up vocabulary too).
3. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
4. There will no longer be such a thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell checker will be adjusted to take account of these amendments.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without recourse to guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left immediately. At the same time you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will allow you to understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices for petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) – roughly $10 per gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fired in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not beer at all. Henceforth only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on Earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them? American brands will be referred to as Near Frozen Gnat’s Urine to avoid further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters; watching Dick Van Dyke attempt cockney in Mary Poppins was an experience akin to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease plating American Football. Football is what you call Soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby, which has some similarities to American Football but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of raving shirt lifters. But we would advise against trying Rugby; the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, just as they regularly thrash us.
13. You will stop playing Baseball. This is a glorified version of the kid’s game Rounders. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game not played by 97% of the nations of the world. The fact that only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders is no excuse.
14. An Internal Revenue Inspector (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies outstanding (dating back to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm, using proper cups (with saucers), high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes plus, when in season, strawberries and cream.
God Save The Queen!
 The following image was attached:
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Post a Comment |
Drinking tea is fine, drinking starbucks "coffee" is like making love in a punt ie. f**k**g close to water!!
Remember, you can`t have everything but if you could, how would you treat it?