This is a genuine complaint to Devon &
Force from an angry member of the public.
True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly
written.....
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone
at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to
abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on
to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon
or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed
medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent,
which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which
involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite.
This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings
throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure
how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time
soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily
rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a
discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn
their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its
side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms
and legs off then I would happily leave them to it.
I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half
the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail
with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will
be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year
(probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the
street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing
again.
This will of course serve no other purpose than to
remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of
one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a
four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant bamber
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Mr bamber,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration
at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you
have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would
like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide
contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC Richard Head
Community Beat Officer
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Dear PC R head
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy
response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these
details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its
own community beat officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys
Crescent, I have never seen you.
Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover
and infiltrated the gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It's surely only a matter of time before you are
headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious
crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or
being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a
policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a
time) to these tits that they might want to play their strange football
game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park
are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you
should feel free to contact me on If after 25 minutes I have still
failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
bamber
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself
lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am
also in contact!!
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Post a Comment |
Excellent stuff! I'm making a copy of this for one of the chaps in my local - he's a spokesman for Devon & Cornwall police.
Youth passes, but with luck immaturity can last a lifetime.