These are actual clips from British Council flat
(apartment) tenants complaining to the Council about problems with
their flats
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage
has
fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me
every
night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy
my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
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