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As some (read 2) of you know, i am a bag boy at safeway. Here is a list of what you should and should not do when im bagging
1. Don't talk to me. I only talk to people who are funny. Dont appoint yourself as funny, you need to hire a team of officials, who have my consent. If you hired the team, you are too uptight for me, and i dont want to talk to you
2. Do ask for paper. They are recyclable. DONT ask for paper inside plastic bags, it eliminates the purpose of the paper. I will bag the eggs underneath the 5-pound bag of sugar
3. Do accept my invitation to help you with your groceries. Bagging all day is boring, and i need something to do
4. Do load your groceries, even when i'm helping you. key word: HELP. dont stand there like an idiot and then yell at me when i stack the eggs undearneath the 12 pack.
5. Dont ask me to return an item for you after the checker points out it is damaged. You were not attentive to notice the leak in the bottom, and you should pay the price. I will rebag your eggs underneath the sugar if you make me get the new sugar bag.
6. DONT ask me to find stuff for you. The labels are above the aisles for a reason. If you cant find the "rasain bran" and you are in the aisle next to cereal, i will guide you all around the store before finding the cereal aisle.
7. dont try pick up lines on me. Atleast not while im at the checkstand. My supervisor gets mad at me for staring. (yes, this has happened)
8. Do read the screen that you use for credit cards. If you use it correctly, i will reward you by bagging all your groceries right.
9. dont say "what do i press for cash, the screen doesnt say "cash". If i could answer, i would say "use common sense, numb nuts".
10. Dont leave the machine beeping because you thought swiping your card was the end of the transaction. Read the screen!
11. Dont talk on your cellphone in line. You cant focus on paying for your groceries, and you move alot slower. When you say "paper" while on your cell phone, i wont listen to you.
12. dont ask me where the tampons are. I am a man. (yes, this has happened)
13. Dont ask me where the adult diapers are. I am a kid (yes, this has happened)
14. Do pull your cart up after you unload everything. If not, i will put the eggs underneath the 12 pack when you finally wise up to bring the cart over.
15. Do try to steal stuff. I let it by all the time. I dont give a rats ass
16. Dont say "oh, did you miss this". You are just wasting your money. I wont tell if you steal something,
17. Dont let your kids in the cart while im loading. There are the special car-carts that your kids can sit in, or maybe you can finally teach your 4 year old to stand. I will place the eggs underneath him.
18. do get out of my way when i am sweeping the store. i will say "Excuse me", but if you dont move, i will push you with the broom. If you still dont move, i will back up, and leave all the dirt at your feet.
19. Do make your kids move. If your kid stands on my broom while i am sweeping, as a joke, i will pull the broom out from under him, as a joke. (yes, this has happened)
20. dont bother me when i am talking with some one. You can bag your own shit.
21. Dont act strong infront of your girlfriend by lifting 2 12 packs and putting them on the checkstand. I will swing one of those at your shins. (yes this has happened)
22. Do drive the rascals. I dont care if you are injured or not, because i get to drive those things back, and thats fun.
23. Dont leave your cart out after you load your groceries into your car. I will slam the cart into another car.
24. Dont sing while waiting in line. I will get your shitty song stuck in my head, and i wont be happy. When im not happy, i bag eggs underneath heavy things.
25. dont buy $5 wine and $3 flowers. They are not romantic.
26. Dont bring your fat ass into the store, and buy tons of ice cream and chips, and the magazine advertising "lose 5 pounds" on the cover. i will rip a hole in your chips and let them fill the bag. (yes this has happened)
27. Dont talk about nasty stuff. I dont care that your son is having the shits. Teach him not to talk about it in public. I will bag the eggs underneath something heavy just for that.
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