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Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial
it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well,
my "time of the month" is starting right now.
As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and
I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand
Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite
a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from "Aunt Flo".
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping
we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-
control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...which brings me
to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you
fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain
really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above
sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to
say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer"
or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's a promise I will keep... Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
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Post a Comment |
nicely said!
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