Recent Quips From Late Night
"Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain -- right here on this program -- announced he's running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab." --David Letterman
"And tomorrow night, here on the 'Late Show', Al Gore will announce he's going on the South Beach diet." --David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton's campaign is bragging that Hillary has raised over $1 million on the Internet. In a related story, Bill Clinton is bragging that he has spent more than one million dollars on the Internet" --Conan O'Brien
"Kind of an embarrassing situation for Al Gore with his whole global warming thing. Turns out his Tennessee home has been using 20 times the energy as the average household. To be fair, it is still not as much energy as John Edwards' blow-dryer is using." --Jay Leno
"A new poll finds that President Bush's father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-president. Apparently, voters were just excited to hear the words 'George Bush' next to the phrase 'ex-president.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The state Senate in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal alien' because it is insensitive. They want to go with a more politically correct term, like 'Wal-Martian." --Jay Leno
"It's March 1st. Black History Month is officially over. But did you know that black history continues ... almost all the time. Take the story of one Reverend Al Sharpton -- Democrat, one-time presidential candidate and outspoken leader on civil rights. Funny story. Some genealogist is looking into his background and ... you're not going to believe this. It turns out his great grandfather had been enslaved by a relative of late South Carolina Senator and famed segregationist Strom Thurmond. Only in America. I mean, seriously, it only could have happened in America." --Jon Stewart
"James Cameron, film director, claims he has discovered the tomb of Christ. I just hope this doesn't lead to a court battle in Florida. ... Who would have guessed they found Jesus before bin Laden?" --David Letterman
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